Judy Comes For A Visit

A few weekends after the murder of Martin Luther King I took my first acid trip. Now his murder as horrible as it was had nothing to do with my dropping acid. It was spring and me, peter and Dennis had been going to the various anti-war marches that were being held it seemed every weekend in the city and we also were attending some of the be-ins that were held on the great lawn in Central Park. It was a tense spring in New York and it would be getting a lot worse before long. It was the spring of 1968 and I went with Dennis to one of those hippie be-ins that I mentioned on a bright and shiny Sunday. I brought along the tab of LSD that I had bought from an acquaintance and I was anxious to take it, but Dennis said that I should wait, that I was not ready to take “this step.” It was a lovely spring day, the park was full of color and colorful people and as soon as Dennis said that I shouldn’t take the acid I of course did. He was pissed at me when I told him and he immediately started to pack up our stuff and hustled me off to find a cab. “I told you that you were not ready to take an acid trip, especially out in public what’s wrong with you.” The acid was starting to take affect as we made our way out of the park in search for a cab to take us back to Chelsea. I was starting to feel the effects of the acid when a cab pulled up and out stepped the 1930’s character actress Aline MacMahon. “Wow Aline MacMahon I said loud enough for her to hear. “Good afternoon young man, it’s a beautiful day isn’t it. “Dennis that was Aline MacMahon, we just saw her in one of those old Busby Berkley movies on TV the other night.” “Get in the cab Ira” Dennis said. I could tell he was not amused or happy to be escorting me back to the apartment on such a lovely Sunday afternoon. The usually long walk up to our apartment felt even longer as the steps started to melt. Finally we got upstairs and all the animals as usual greeted us at the door. Tai my Siamese cat jumped on my shoulder and Lisa started to rub herself against my legs. “Peter we’re home” I yelled out. “Back so soon” he said as he came out of the office where he had been proofing a new manuscript. “Ira decided to take a little acid trip so I had to bring him home.” “Peter we saw Aline MacMahon she was getting out of a cab right near Central Park.” He looked at Dennis with a yeah-right look on his face. “No it’s true Peter, we did see Aline MacMahon.” Dennis said. “I think I’ll sit on the couch and maybe do some drawings, my feet are getting smaller by the minute.” “Are you all right sweetie” Peter asked in his mother knows best concerned voice with a Puerto Rican accent.” “Yes yes I’m fine. Boy this acid is strong.” Well I’ll be in the office with Dennis working if you need anything give a holler.” “I will don’t worry.” The sun was starting to go down, and the light was doing strange things to the rug. Lisa the dog was lying at my feet next to the couch, and I could swear she was having a conversation with the cats. I did a few drawings and paintings, and then the strange stuff started. “Peter I yelled can you come in here.” “What’s happening.” He asked. “Judy Garland was just here.” “Oh really that’s nice, and what did Ms. Garland have to say.” “You better sit down Peter.” I made room on the couch for him.” “I need my cigarettes and a beer for this one” he said and was soon back from his trip to the kitchen. “Honey make sure you don’t go in the kitchen, you don’t want to see the roaches in your condition.” So what’s with Judy he asked as he lit a Marlboro. “Well she was very nice, but boy what a potty mouth on her.” “Do tell” Peter said. “Dennis, Ira just had a visit from Judy Garland, Isn’t that nice.” “Better Judy Garland than Deanna Durbin” Dennis yelled from the office. “Who’s Deanna Durbin?” I asked. “Never mind about her what did Judy Say.” Peter was hooked. "Well she was wearing those pretty ruby red shoes, you know the ones from “The Wizard Of Oz” and the cute jacket and hat that she wore in that musical, you know the one we saw last week at the Elgin, the one where she’s fat one minute and then thin the next, when she does the get happy number. What was the name of it?" “Summer Stock.” Peter said. “Yes yes that’s the one”. “Anyway she has a real dirty mouth; you should have heard what she said about Louie Mayer and Jack Warner. My God I was shocked” “What did she say, what did she say.” Well she called them both dirty kike Jews, and that they ruined her.” “Please Ms. Garland I said, I’m Jewish and I don’t like that kind of language.” “Oh really, well it was ok for Mayer to call me his little hunchback and fill me up with pills, that was ok.” “No of course not, but I don’t think that Mayer’s bad behavior towards you had anything to do with his being Jewish, and besides didn’t he convert.?” “All those lousy musicals I had to make with that little midget, God how I hated doing those movies” “Peter’s mouth was hanging open in disbelief. “But why did she visit you Ira, I mean of all the people in the world why did she pick you?”. “She said that she wanted to thank me for coming to her last concert at the Palace and to find out if I would like to marry her daughter Liza.” “Oh Jesus Mary and Joseph Ira, you're just hallucinating.” “What else did she say? ” “Well I of course told her that I did not want to marry her daughter, and why would she want me to marry her daughter?” “Well cutie pie” she said “in my family we always married homosexuals so I just thought it might be nice to continue the tradition.” “Hell even my father was a pansy.” “There you go again with the foul language, first of all, I’m not gay, and even if I was, I would not at all be interested in marrying Liza.” “This is unbelievable.” Peter said as he lit his 4^th Marlboro. “And Peter you should have heard what she said about Grace Kelly.” “What what did she say about the Princess,” She said “that slut bitch stole her Oscar that she should have won for “A Star Is Born” and the only reason Kelly won was that she slept with every male and some female Academy members, and that that fucking kike bastard Jack Warner cut her movie to bits so that all her best moments wound up on the cutting room floor, and that she and George Cukor had begged, begged that bastard not to do it,” “I told her that her performance would outlive Kelly’s boring performance and that she should just forget it.” “There I was laid up in that fucking hospital after just giving birth with all those TV cameras on me waiting for my name to be announced as best actress. I felt like I was some Goddamn freak. I looked like shit, my womb was killing me, and there was that cunt Kelly walking up to the podium and stealing my Oscar, my Oscar. I hope she dies in a car crash.” “Oh my my Peter said.” ‘There’s more” I said.” “I need another beer, wait until I get back.”. “Ok continue.” “Well now this is really the weird part,” I said. “Oh really and what went before is not weird?” He said. “Finally Judy said that she didn’t have much more time left on this planet and she wanted to warn me to keep away from the village on June 28^th 1969.” “But that’s over a year away and why should we keep away from the village on that date?” Peter asked. Well she said that my people would be very agitated that night and there would be lots of trouble”. “What do you mean?” I asked her. “You mean the Jews are going to revolt in the Village.” Why would the Jews be revolting in the Village?” “Not the Jews you twit, the gays, the homos, fairies, fags, drag queens they’re the ones who are going to be very very upset that night, so just keep away.” “Odd why would the gays be upset.” Peter asked. “I have no idea but that’s what she said, then she gave me a big kiss on my cheek and was gone.” “See the kiss is still there.” “Oh honey I don’t know.” “Well it’s true.” I’m pooped from all of this, and the acid has worn off, so I think I’ll go to bed, it must be late.” “Thanks for listening Peter” I said as I went into my bedroom followed by the cats and Lisa. I could hear Peter talking to Dennis in the office as I made myself ready for bed. “Did you hear that story Dennis. “I heard some of it, totally ridiculous, the boy has some imagination especially on acid.” “But what about the lipstick mark on his cheek. “Oh please Peter some hippie chick gave him a kiss in the park today.” “Still Dennis, it’s quite a story.” “Yes I’ll give you that it’s quite a story.

Photos used: acid drawings, Grace with Judy's Oscar, Mickey Rooney, Judy and Louie B. Mayer.